Today was a long day of errands and appointments with a sick Ethan and a fussy Sam, followed by some challenging solo parenting time this evening. We are approaching the 6 week mark, where bambinos "find their voice" - or their heart-breaking wail, as is often the case. Don't get me wrong - Sam is easier to comfort than many babies (certainly easier than Ethan) and spends most of the day blissfully sleeping and nursing. But we are hearing the wail more and more often (especially during the 6-8 PM witching hour) and it makes my hair stand up like nothing else. When my baby cries, it consumes 90% of my brain, the other 10% left for breathing and standing upright and making sure Ethan doesn't run into the street.
So tonight, while Ethan is all sick and pathetic, wanting only cuddles, whimpering occasionally, barely eating, and Sam is alternating between screaming my ear off and chewing my nipple to shreds, I am trying to show them both love and comfort with a nearly non-functional brain filled with ringing baby screams. How on earth do you balance two needy kids? I feel like I'm doing half of what I want to for each of them. I keep telling Ethan I can't hold him, color with him, play hide-and-seek with him because Sam needs me. I keep breaking the shush-bounce-pat ritual with Sam mid-wail to boost Ethan onto the counter (his favorite perch while I'm cooking dinner and he's feeling poorly) or get him a drink or try for a moment to snuggle him and make him feel like I am at least partially present. I strive to avoid mama guilt always, and trust that I am doing my best in the moment. But man, I felt like a crazy half-mama for these guys tonight. Thanks to papa, some boob and a few library books, they are both sleeping now. Sweet peace.
