Ethan took to tantruming like crazy about a month after Sam was born. It was like we were transported back to age two and a half again, complete with hitting, kicking, biting, throwing toys/shoes/dishes/computers (yikes!), and of course alot of tears. Tantrums suck. Parenting through tantrums sucks. The terrible twos were terrible for all of us. Back then, Jeremy and I screamed almost as much as Ethan did. And many long hours were spent with a baby gate between us and Ethan to prevent anyone from getting bodily wounds to match the spiritual wounds we were all busy inflicting on one another.
With a reprise of the tantrums, I hoped to parent a little differently. Screaming and grabbing roughly about the shoulders is not the parenting approach I really hoped for, and it never seemed to accomplish anything other than making me feel really disgustingly aweful and ashamed. So here's the advice I found this time and was somehow finally able to hear:
Tantrums are serious business... You
can not make your child happy or fix the problem. It's HIS tantrum and
all you can do is stand by and watch. You can not stop it once it's
started. You can only keep yourself from getting sucked into the
tantrum tornado and be there to gather the pieces when it blows over.
This, of course, takes practice. Practice. Practice. Practice.
Practice your peaceful parent attitude until you can call upon at will
whether you are in the check-out line at the grocery store or driving in
rush hour traffic.
From www.bluesuitmom.com/family/parenting/tantrums
Not rocket science. But acknowledging that my one and only job is to remain calm has been so helpful. Threats, pleas for him to "just stop it" or "calm down", consequences, yelling - none of that works for us during a freak out. Now I just try to stay cool, to empathize with whatever is making him upset, to crack a few jokes, and to clear the room of too many breakables. Sometimes he responds to the humor, although it takes quite a few poop jokes for any momentary curiosity or
laughter to actually melt his anger away. Eventually it always melts.
We've also had a couple of practice tantrums where we work on yelling and crying and hitting safe objects but not throwing things or hurting people. Mostly I practice and Ethan looks at me with fascination and a look of humor/horror. It doesn't actually change the behavior (Ethan has never in the 3 years that I've been talking about hitting safe things like the bed or the chair or the teddies, taken me up on the offer. He still throws elbows and claws at me instead.). But we can at least talk about it with some mutual understanding.
And I certainly do understand why he's pissed
off - he lives in the now and wants things his own way and he wants it
fiercely (don't we all?) and yet he is almost constantly told what he
can and cannot do, and he has a new little brother taking up tons of my
attention and really reordering Ethan's whole life. Add some
sleep-deprivation and hunger to the mix, whoo boy! I
would want to tantrum too. Actually, I do want to tantrum too. But,
like him, I'm learning to regulate my emotions, to find appropriate
outlets, to self-soothe.
When
I do manage to keep my cool, I feel fine after a tantrum - not burned
out and ashamed like before. I feel like I watched a sincere and heartfelt display of rage and sadness, and I am on the other side, offering a snack, a hug, a little bit of peace in this really crazy time for our family. I don't think my approach actually changes the arc of the tantrum much - this is not a magic means to end tantrums. But it makes me feel better and it models the calm that I hope Ethan and I can both someday achieve.
As it turns out, the frequent, ferocious tantruming only lasted a few weeks. Now we are back to regular whining and occasional angry punches. Hopefully I can remember my own advice when Sam makes it to 2.
