Sam Sleep Saga

In the beginning Sam slept like a newborn.  (I know this is shocking.)  He was up every couple of hours to nurse and would fall back asleep, or not.  

Then he kept right on sleeping like a newborn until he was 10 months old.  He was up every couple of hours to nurse and would fall back asleep, or not.  

I found a place of peaceful acceptance throughout almost all of it.  I didn't think of his sleep as "bad", just how he slept.  Sometimes I woke up tearful or wanting to squish him until he want back to sleep, but those nights were the exception.  Mostly I just loved on him, often actually feeling happy to see him at night.  I found some hidden well of acceptance inside of myself and saw the middle of the night as our chance to connect without work or the computer or brother (or any other waking human) to interrupt us.  The night was an opporunity to surrender to just being with Sam, with his huge needs and also his softness, his smallness. 

I know this sounds like crazy-talk.  Who loves getting woken up every hour to soothe their crying baby?  It is crazy.  I find that acceptance is the fundamental challenge of parenting for me.  Mostly, I struggle to accept that my kids don't do what I want and that they need things that I don't want to give.  In other words, that they are there own people and that my job is to just do what needs to be done for them. That's remarkably hard. 

But sleep with Sam was my chance to practice.  And for almost a year, I woke without (much) resentment or anger.  I just did what needed to be done.

Until I got a little too tired and started losing my cool around 9.5 months.  I was walking around like an angry zombie who would eat your brains for a chance to take a 20 minute nap.  With all the strife in our life with Ethan, I didn't want to have more horribleness in our home.  So I tried to night wean and just rock/sing/dance/shush to comfort Sam during his many nighttime wakings.  This resulted in alot of screaming and alot less sleep for me.  Mission aborted, back to waking every 1-2 hours for a little nurse or a little bouncy back pat.  (Note: if you are going to night wean, let your non-nursing partner take over.  I think babies can't stand to have the milk so close, and yet so far away.)

A month later we did cry-it-out.  Jeremy took charge and went in to comfort Sam every few minutes until he eventually fell asleep on his own - still sitting up, head lolling around, occasionally plopping over and banging into the crib rails and starting he cycle over again.  We had one bad night with 5 rounds of 20 minutes of screaming.  The next night there were a few brief wake-ups.  The next night, none.  He slept for 12 hours for a few nights in a row.  It was just like the books say!  It was amazing!  It also involved far less crying than any of our previous attempts to "soothe" him.

But then he got four teeth in three weeks.  And started fighting naps like you would not believe.  And was fussy alot of the day.  For those of you who know Sam, you know this is weird.  He is such a happy, chill baby, just babbling the day away, playing with discarded toys and munching cheerios. In the midst of all this unusual Sam behavior, he started waking up between 3:30-4:30 every morning and is pretty much up for the day.  Read that again.  Yes, he's up for the day at 4 AM.

For two weeks we tried letting him cry in the hope that he would learn to resettle himself.  He cried until we got him at 5 every day.  No good.  Our new plan is to get him immediately for a quick nurse and then try to put him back to sleep.  It works well, except for the back to sleep part.  So, if you are looking for some company in the early morning hours, Sam is ready to play.  I might be busy trying to find my well of acceptance again.

A Lesson in Easter Eggs

This past weekend was pretty much constant best friend fun.  Donovan, Ethan's best buddy, lives down the street and Ethan recently learned to walk/run/shovel/robot-boogie to Donovan's house to collect him for playdates.  (Ethan also recently began checking the mail by himself.)  Oh, I love this independent guy.  I hope he has enough impulse control to stop and look before he runs across every street, but I think it is good work (for both him and me) to practice just letting him do his own thing, without calling warnings and directions after him as he runs.

Play between E + D is smooth these days.  They find all sorts of creative ways to meet both of their needs.  For example, Ethan at one point wanted to play Rescue Bots and Donovan preferred racing cars.  Solution: the Rescue Bots can have cars for kids!  Turns out children are really excellent problem-solvers if you give them a chance.

Other sweet things about these guys: They crack each other up with goofy moves and funny voices.  They tell each other about their recent discoveries and creations (D: These are my robot decorations!  E: I have Optimus Prime on my toothbrush!).  Most of the time they talk about thier frustrations before Ethan headlocks Donovan.  

When Donovan comes over, I mostly hang out in the kitchen with Sam while they do their awesome kid-friend thing.

Easter Eggs Round #1:

One choice activity this weekend was dyeing Easter Eggs.  My natural tendency is to try to control every move Ethan makes.  I have been working on this ALOT in the last couple of years.  Embracing chaos and letting him experiment, explore and discover requires constant tongue-biting on my part.  Fortunately, despite all my hovering and correcting, I haven't totally killed Ethan's curiosity and creativity yet.  So the practice of accepting his own unique work continues.  Can I say again how amazed I am that Ethan continues to be the prefect/most challenging teacher for me?

Anyway, an activity such as egg dyeing, with so much potential for crafty perfection and/or a huge mess, sets my controlling gears in motion.   When Donovan joyfully plopped green in all the dye baths both Ethan and I let out a little shreik.  This is not per protocol!  We quickly recovered our wits and let the dye experienments continue.  The eggs came out beautifully, of course, but more importantly they were the boys' own, personal work, not the creations of a mommy puppet master.  These eggs remind me how important it is to let the kids do their own work.  So many of the perfect mommy-blog creations out there are the result of the crafty parent dictating exactly how the kids makes art.  For once, not here! 

 

Easter Eggs Round #2:

Today while Ethan was at pre-school I bought some Easter supplies and hatched a grand plan.  I would put together all the cute little eggs full of treats and stickers and toys, late at night when Ethan was asleep.  I would hide them by myself and oh how surprised and delighted he and his friends would be when they opened them on Easter morning! 

But then I gave Ethan an advance on the Easter goodies: Lego stickers in a giant Easter egg.  He begged for me to show him all of the treats and to let him help make the eggs for his buddies.  Instead of Jody's hard work rewarded with Ethan's appreciation and love, he would prefer to work together and do something kind and generous for his friends?  Obviously I said yes.  But I also felt a little bit robbed of my glory.  I was trying to be the star of the show!

So, we crafted together for an hour before dinner and made of the cutest Easter eggs ever.  Highlights include: Dad egg, zebra egg, cracked egg, porcupine egg, and smiling egg.  Way better than anything I could have come up with.

Sweeties in Snowy Springtime

Why is the sink draining so slowly?

Poor guy

In a way that is nearly reminiscent of his second year of life, Ethan has been sick alot this fall and winter.  Nothing serious, just one bug after another.  Poor little buddy.

 

Home Days

Things are going so well with our little family these days.  Ethan hasn't had a knock-down tantrum in over a month (compared to the several hours per day that we would spend in a storm of aggression in December and January).  He's really learning how to be gentle with Sam and how to ask for help when Sam is frustrating him.  We are also getting better at preventing meltdowns and responding gently to Ethan when he has tough times.  Some new strategies include early dinner (usually at 4:30PM, before mama gets home and changes the groove), early bedtime (sometimes asleep by 6:30), copious snacks, empathizing with his anger/frustration and helping him name his problems and solve them before he explodes, making more time for one-on-one with both grown-ups.  Jeremy has really been pouring in so much loving-kindness into Ethan, with more patience and presence than ever before.  All that love and compassion brings out the best in our little wild-man.

When Sam was born, we basically divided our parenting tasks.  I took Sam and Jeremy cared for Ethan.  It made sense at the time, with all the nursing and with Ethan's intense attachment to Jeremy.  And to be honest, I really wanted to disappear on a baby-island with Sam.  Sadly, I think this division really undermined my (already rocky) relationship with Ethan.  These days we are finally starting to heal.  I have had some mornings where Jeremy takes Sam, freeing me up to play legos and eat breakfast with Ethan, just us.  And now that we've gotten Sam to actually sleep, bedtime isn't such a disaster and Ethan has actually had BOTH parents with him for books some nights.  While Sam was crying it out at night, I slept with Ethan for a few nights.  His soft little arm wrapped around my arm, sweaty palm on my skin, his kid breath on my face.  He told me in the morning that he loves having sleep-overs with me.  It was like we finally found each other again after our souls were apart for so long.

Most of the credit for our good groove really goes to Ethan.  He just sort of worked through his inner storm and arrived on the other side.  In particular, he seems better able to understand and accept that there is a time for everything.  He gets that there is a time when he has to share his grown-up with Sam, but that there will be one-on-one time later.   There's a time when I am at school and he won't see me much, and then a time when I am home almost every day and he will get lots of opportunities to play with me and snuggle and read books.  March is one of those times, a home month for me.  All of February Ethan would point to March 1 on the calender and announce, "This is Jody's home day.  In March, she will have lots of home days."

Early morning lego build

Pots and Pans

 Pretty much.

Sparkle

2 PM is a dangerous time.  Ethan no longer naps and quiet time doesn't recharge the tank on this guy the way a good two-hour nap used to.  So by afternoon he is usually tired and tired = smashy.  He asks to "play trucks" and then (accidentally?) crushes your hands while he batters his fire truck into your poor little tractor.  He "hugs" Sam with a not-so-stealth ferocity that (thankfully) we don't see as often these days, often pushing him to the ground and snatching his toys.  When Ethan is in this state, he doesn't really make eye contact and when he does it is a fleeting, angry glance.  It took me a remarkably long time, but I am finally learning to read this kid and actually respond to what he is asking for.  Most of the time he doesn't use words to say exactly what he feels and needs.  If he did, I imagine it would sound something like this: "I'm tired and hungry and that is making me wind up and my energy is spirally out of control and I can't stop myself from hurting you so please give me direction and a snack and help me move along to bed post-haste!"  But he does communicate  in a way that is perfectly clear, if you are paying attention.  This is how he tells me he is losing it: a few smashes, a few commands of "play with me immediately!", the reply of "NO!" when offered a snack followed by rapid shoveling of handfuls of said snack into the mouth, no eye contact, maybe a little elbowing.  So now that I can see and acknowledge that he needs something, what is the something I should deliver?  Clearly, anything that moves us toward dinner and books and bed.  But also a little fun project can do the trick to fill in the 2 PM vortex.  Usually my first 15 suggestions are struck down and he almost never goes for something that involves leaving the house.  (We have an intense homebody here.)  But when I find the right project, he focuses like a laser-beam, completely engrossed in a way that only happens when he is about to keel over from exhaustion.  I have seen him color mix or wash dishes or cover himself in shaving cream for a hour in this mood.

Yesterday, we sparkled.  Sparkling is my new Waldorf-inspired term for cleaning.  He chose his materials (spray cleaner, rags and Squeegee) and went to TOWN.  When Jeremy complimented me on my sparkling (meant to be a compliment on coming up with a positive way to survive the afternoon) Ethan piped in and said proudly, "I sparkled too".  Way better than a tantrum.