Small moments of big changes

There are two little moments that happened in the past few days that I just have to write down and share:

Both times Ethan and I were in the thick of a solid playing groove when he paused, I mean literally stopped in his tracks with his legs spread in a strong stance and went  "uh.... uh....." and then exploded off to do something amazing.

The first time I had cut my finger and Jody asked Ethan if he could go get a band-aid for me from the bathroom and bring it down.  There he was, like a statue, " uh... uh..." and then off like a shot.  Not only did Ethan get the band-aid all by himself, but he unwrapped it, found the cut on my finger, and put the band-aid on the cut and then lovingly smoothed it out.  It was the first time he had done that all by himself... it was a quantum leap and it just melted my heart.

The next day, we had decided to go outside and play with the Ethan's pipe set, but we had been playing pretty hard and I needed to sit down for a few minutes.  As soon as I sat down, BOOM, there Ethan was in full pause "uh... uh.... (mental POW) I can get the keys and open up the storage closet and get the hose and take it the back yard so you can stay here and rest a little bit." 

And that was exactly what he did.  It was amazing!

Garden Harvest #1

Some of the tomato plants I had gotten from my friend Jon have had fruit for a while, but it is just in the past week or two that they have started to ripen.  I held off on picking the below tomato so it would ripen all the way, but this morning I discovered that a particular chipmunk that lives around our house had himself a solid meal of tomato.  (I also suspect he has been nibbling on my chard -- CURSE HIM!)

Also, one of the onions I planted as bulbs have been showing signs of rot (I think I watered them to much a few times and the pot did not dry out) so I have pulled another one that had lots of dried leaves.  It turns out it was just fine.  Below is that onion (with the green trimmed off) and some yellow tomatoes that Ethan picked himself.  He has been such a wonderful helper this year watering our plants and noticing when the plants undergo changes.

Hinman Cabin

We spent the night in an amazing Dartmouth cabin - this one even easier the the ones we tried out in the winter, because it was only 40 min from our house and had stove, lights, and awesome pond to play in.  Ethan LOVED pumping fresh water with our little filter and catching newts.  And being naked naked naked - a treat now that he is more self-conscious of his body and wanting privacy in public.  Sleep was poor with no big beds and everyone shifting on their creaky mattresses but we suffered for the adventure and enjoyed a huge family nap when we got back home.

First time in a canoe.  This one we called "Red Blood".  The aluminum canoe with the crack in it was dubbed Tin-Man.  The canoe ride was not as exciting as wading and newt-hunting for Ethan, so there was only one brief paddle.

Sam blessed us with a good long nap while we splashed and cooked noodles.  He very rarely naps when he is not in arms or in the baby carrier, so there won't be many more photos like this one.

 

Ethan swam into open water (with life vest) for the first time.  I was a water loving kid - I still am - and really look forward to sharing lots of time in the water with Ethan as he gains confidence and learns to love the smooth weightlessness of swimming. 

Newts!  Jeremy and I tried to catch them with buckets but Ethan taught us just to grab them with our bare hands.  He is clearly our fearless leader in many ways.  I used to collect these little guys as a kid in their bright-orange, land-loving, youthful forms.  Who knew they grew fins and starting swimming when they grew up?

A few fireworks were left in the cabin.  Scary excitement.  In a demonstration of our unsafe parenting, at one point Jeremy actually said, "Either sawing or fireworks, Ethan, not both!"

Ethan was so wired from the day that he couldn't focus on books at all.  I tried to persevere with Paul Bunyan and Punk Farm on Tour, but no one was buying it.

 

Sam relaxed while we unpacked back home.

Two Month Sam

 

A few photos from May and June

 

Terrible Twos 2.0

Ethan took to tantruming like crazy about a month after Sam was born.  It was like we were transported back to age two and a half again, complete with hitting, kicking, biting, throwing toys/shoes/dishes/computers (yikes!), and of course alot of tears.  Tantrums suck.  Parenting through tantrums sucks.  The terrible twos were terrible for all of us.  Back then, Jeremy and I screamed almost as much as Ethan did.  And many long hours were spent with a baby gate between us and Ethan to prevent anyone from getting bodily wounds to match the spiritual wounds we were all busy inflicting on one another.

With a reprise of the tantrums, I hoped to parent a little differently.  Screaming and grabbing roughly about the shoulders is not the parenting approach I really hoped for, and it never seemed to accomplish anything other than making me feel really disgustingly aweful and ashamed.  So here's the advice I found this time and was somehow finally able to hear:

Tantrums are serious business... You can not make your child happy or fix the problem. It's HIS tantrum and all you can do is stand by and watch. You can not stop it once it's started. You can only keep yourself from getting sucked into the tantrum tornado and be there to gather the pieces when it blows over. This, of course, takes practice. Practice. Practice. Practice. Practice your peaceful parent attitude until you can call upon at will whether you are in the check-out line at the grocery store or driving in rush hour traffic. 

From www.bluesuitmom.com/family/parenting/tantrums

Not rocket science.  But acknowledging that my one and only job is to remain calm has been so helpful.  Threats, pleas for him to "just stop it" or "calm down", consequences, yelling - none of that works for us during a freak out.  Now I just try to stay cool, to empathize with whatever is making him upset, to crack a few jokes, and to clear the room of too many breakables.  Sometimes he responds to the humor, although it takes quite a few poop jokes for any momentary curiosity or laughter to actually melt his anger away.  Eventually it always melts.

We've also had a couple of practice tantrums where we work on yelling and crying and hitting safe objects but not throwing things or hurting people.  Mostly I practice and Ethan looks at me with fascination and a look of humor/horror.  It doesn't actually change the behavior (Ethan has never in the 3 years that I've been talking about hitting safe things like the bed or the chair or the teddies, taken me up on the offer.  He still throws elbows and claws at me instead.).  But we can at least talk about it with some mutual understanding. 

And I certainly do understand why he's pissed off - he lives in the now and wants things his own way and he wants it fiercely (don't we all?) and yet he is almost constantly told what he can and cannot do, and he has a new little brother taking up tons of my attention and really reordering Ethan's whole life.  Add some sleep-deprivation and hunger to the mix, whoo boy!  I would want to tantrum too.  Actually, I do want to tantrum too.  But, like him, I'm learning to regulate my emotions, to find appropriate outlets, to self-soothe.  

When I do manage to keep my cool, I feel fine after a tantrum - not burned out and ashamed like before.  I feel like I watched a sincere and heartfelt display of rage and sadness, and I am on the other side, offering a snack, a hug, a little bit of peace in this really crazy time for our family.  I don't think my approach actually changes the arc of the tantrum much - this is not a magic means to end tantrums.  But it makes me feel better and it models the calm that I hope Ethan and I can both someday achieve. 

As it turns out, the frequent, ferocious tantruming only lasted a few weeks.  Now we are back to regular whining and occasional angry punches.  Hopefully I can remember my own advice when Sam makes it to 2.

4

Ethan is 4!  It's unbelievable how incredibly far we've come from the little nursing piglet that arrived in the sweaty Madison summer four years ago to the rambunctious, emotional, creative, monster-slaying, bike-riding, strawberry-eating little boy we have now.  He is so funny and thoughtful and wild.What an adventure parenting him has been.

To celebrate the occasion, we had a wonderful birthday party this past weekend, which involved tie dyeing (see photos below), strawberry shortcakes, and running around whacking fellow crazy boys with beach balls. 

After witnessing a few birthday parties recently that involved the movemnet of huge numbers of perfectly wrapped birthday presents, Ethan earnestly said to me after his party (to which I requested guests not bring gifts), "I don't think I got enough presents."  We're trying to emphasize quality over quantity and cultivate appreciation for how blessed we are to have loving family and friends and a few rocking presents.  Not sure if Ethan is on board with the deeper philisophy, but he is loving spending special time with his favorite people and playing with his gifts: play tent, two wheeler bike, bug stamps, Toy Story undies, and, of course, legos. 

Happy birthday, buddy!

Ethan's Art

 

At Ethan's request, I added the buns to the above picture.

 

Hard to see, but there is a delivery man driving this UPS truck, as well as headlights and a bumper.  (Side note: we call all UPS delivery men "Chad" around here, in honor of our local man in brown.)